Not Coming Home for Christmas
by babybluecas
Summary: Dean's feeling a little blue today, stuck in Purgatory on Christmas Day. Benny doesn't pry, but he still learns something new about Dean's life.


A/N: So it might be a little late for a Christmas fic but, hey, "give or take a few days" right? (It'll make sense in a minute ;))

* * *

"You're looking blue today, chief," Benny notices, as they catch some downtime in between stabbing and beheading monsters.

The worst part about the late afternoons, if he can call them that in Purgatory is that, in the setting darkness, more monsters crawl out of their lairs to chase the tastiest snack in the whole land.

Dean waves Benny off. What is there to be happy about in this place? They're either fighting or patching wounds or gearing up for another fight. And it's been months of that, according to Dean's calculation. Though that might be off—he can't exactly carve lines into the wall of a cave to keep a calendar if he's constantly moving. It's so easy to lose track of time here.

"Come on," Benny encourages. Why he's up for a chick flick moment, Dean has no idea. It's not like either of them are that into sharing and caring for each other. They might be comrades in the war zone, but they're not exactly friends. "There's been something gnawing at you and it's better to get things off your chest."

"Just feeling extra homesick today," Dean admits with a shrug. It's nothing, really. He's gonna be fine. He's made it this far, he'll keep on making it until they find Cas and they can go home, at last.

He knows what Benny'll say. That he could have been home a long time ago. If only he chose to follow Benny right to the portal, leaving Cas behind. Of course, that's not an option. He just wishes they could find Cas sooner. But it's like the guy doesn't want to be found. Every time they catch a fresh lead, it's gone cold long before they reach the place.

But Benny's taking mercy on him and bites his tongue. "What is it, Christmas or something?" he says, instead, with a half-smile on his lips. He meant it as a joke, but he couldn't have been more right.

"Give or take a few days," Dean says and Benny's smile falters.

"Damn, been that long, huh?" He throws a glance around the never-changing surroundings; always the same half-naked trees, always the same gray sky and dirty leaves covering the ground. It's like they've been stuck in an eternal fall, while the real world kept moving without them. Without Dean. "Doesn't look like it," he tries to joke again.

Dean entertains a smile. He needs to shake himself out of this sadness that's been eating him all day. Christmas didn't use to mean shit to him for a long, long time. Even when he and Sam were kids, this time was never anything to celebrate, in their crappy motel rooms, alone.

But things have changed, haven't they?

"Didn't take you for a guy who's big into that," Benny says as if reading Dean's mind. "We can find a pine for you to decorate if you want to." Though his words seem mocking, his tone is still light.

"That'd be a beautiful Christmas tree." Dean chuckles and shifts his leg to kick Benny's boot. "But it ain't about that."

"Family?" Benny asks quietly.

"Family."

They both sink into their thoughts, and it gets silent for a moment. Then for some damn reason, maybe for that stupid melancholy nested in Dean's chest, he feels like sharing.

"I always thought Christmas was overrated, until the first time I spent it with my girlfriend and the kid. You know, seeing the joy on Ben's face when he unpacked his gifts— and all the preparations before that, shopping together and decorating and stuff. Don't even get me started on all the food," Dean adds dreamily and quickly regrets the thought as his stomach rumbles in agreement.

They never talk about their lives before Purgatory. Telling the vamp about Dean's family never seemed necessary or particularly wise. So Dean kept it to himself and Benny didn't pry much—aside from the times he tried to lure Dean away from his Cas-rescue mission. In those moments, Benny'd bluff and prod his way to any bit of info he could use against Dean.

Because Benny's been right all along—there is someone waiting for Dean outside. And Dean feels like shit for staying here longer than he needs to and keeping them worried.

But he knows, once he explains, Lisa will understand. She has to.

"I know it's not much of a consolation, but I'm sure you'll have plenty of Christmases to spend together once we're out of here."

"Yeah," Dean mutters. Sure, there'll be plenty of Christmases, if he lives that long. But it's not himself, not even Lisa and Ben—they'd been fine before he appeared in their lives—that he's worried about. "But it's my daughter's first Christmas."

Benny's eyebrows ride up. That's not what he expected to learn about Dean today and Dean can already imagine what's going on in his head, what new ways to coax him away from his path are popping up in his mind.

So he cuts it short. "She's not a baby, she's sixteen. Well, sort of."

Benny narrows his eyes at Dean. "Sort of?"

"It's a long story and besides the point." He's really not feeling like explaining to Benny the whole amazon instant growth thing, at least not now. "And I don't know if Christmas will even mean anything to her besides what the kids in school say about it. I know Lisa will give her the best Christmas she can but—"

Dean bites his lip. He can't think about everything else he's already missed out on. Like Emma's first day at school, her first time watching the fireworks on the Fourth of July. He's being like some freaking freshly-baked dad missing his kid's first steps.

He's got bigger concerns, doesn't he? Whether the three of them are safe, at all. How they're holding up and navigating around each other without him. He'd dropped a volatile monster teen on Lisa's head and went MIA. Lisa's an amazing mother and a strong woman, but certain things she might not be equipped to deal with.

"Guess I'm just worried," Dean ends with a shrug.

Benny's the last person he should be complaining to—the person who's giving him the solution to his problem that Dean's refusing to accept. The person who showed him the light at the end of the tunnel just as Dean was almost getting used to the thought that this was where he'd spend the rest of his days, never seeing his family or his brother again.

"Well, I wouldn't be," Benny says with a strangely soft look in his eyes. "'Cause if your daughter's anything like you, Dean Winchester, she's gonna be just fine."

Dean can't hold back a grin that blooms on his face. "Yeah, she's pretty awesome."

But before he can say anything else, Benny's already on his feet. Without asking, Dean grabs his hatchet and follows Benny's lead.

"Brooding time is over," Benny announces, tipping his head towards the approaching horde of werewolves, hungry for Dean's heart.

Dean counts seven beasties. This is gonna be a rough ride.

As one of the wolves, impatiently, rushes forward, Dean casts Benny a quick glance. "Merry Christmas to us," he says, as he takes a swing with his weapon.

The wolf's head rolls and his body drops at Dean's feet. Benny smirks. "Merry Christmas, brother."


End file.
